STEAM SALES: what to expect before the end of the year?
As we hurtle towards the end of the year like a runaway freight train, Valve's got a lineup of sales that'll have you throwing money at your screen faster than a Silicon Valley startup burning through venture capital.
SPACE EXPLORATION FEST: BLAST OFF INTO SAVINGS
The Space Exploration Fest is up first, running from September 2nd to 9th. Get ready to float in zero-G savings as you snap up every space sim, galaxy-spanning RPG, and alien-blasting shooter you can get your grubby mitts on. Just remember: in space, no one can hear you scream about your empty bank account.
PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES FEST: RIDE THE RAILS TO ROCK-BOTTOM PRICES
From September 16th to 23rd, Steam's transforming into a virtual transportation hub. Whether you're into flight sims that are more complicated than actual pilot training, train games that make you question your life choices, or racing titles that'll have you drifting through your savings, this sale's got you covered. Just don't blame us when you're living in a cardboard box, but hey, at least it'll be a cardboard Ferrari.(Maybe there will even be money left for paint)
TURN-BASED STRATEGY FEST: PLAN YOUR FINANCIAL DOWNFALL
Strategic masterminds and armchair generals, your time has come. From September 30th to October 7th, you can plot world domination on a budget. Stock up on 4X games, tactical RPGs, and anything else that lets you pretend you're a military genius while sitting in your underwear. Remember, every turn you take is another step towards bankruptcy.
NEXT FEST: OCTOBER 2024: TASTE THE FUTURE, EMPTY YOUR WALLET NOW
October 14th to 21st brings us the Next Fest, where you can sample upcoming games like a wine taster at an open bar. Sure, most of these games aren't out yet, but that won't stop you from wishlisting everything in sight like a kid writing their letter to Santa. Your future self will thank you when these games eventually release... and then curse you when the bills arrive.
HALLOWEEN SALE 2024: TERRIFYINGLY GOOD DEALS
As October wraps up, Steam's unleashing its spooky savings from October 28th to November 4th. Horror games, gothic RPGs, and anything with more than three shades of black will be on sale. Prepare to be scared shitless by both the games and the total at checkout.
COOKING FEST 2024: SIMMER YOUR SAVINGS
From November 11th to 18th, Steam's serving up a smorgasbord of culinary chaos. Cooking sims, restaurant management games, and anything that lets you pretend you're Gordon Ramsay without the swearing (okay, maybe with the swearing) will be on the menu. Just don't blame us when you're eating instant ramen because you spent your food budget on virtual cooking.
AUTUMN SALE 2024: FALL INTO FINANCIAL RUIN
The big one hits from November 27th to December 4th. The Autumn Sale is like Black Friday for gamers, minus the risk of being trampled by a mob fighting over a toaster. Expect discounts deeper than your post-purchase regrets and more games than you could play in ten lifetimes.
WINTER SALE 2024: THE FINAL BOSS OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT
And just when you think your wallet can't take anymore, the Winter Sale swoops in to deliver the coup de grâce. Starting sometime in December and running into the new year, this is the grandaddy of all Steam sales. It's the sale that'll have you saying, "Who needs food when I have games?"
Mark your calendars, set your alarms, and maybe start a GoFundMe for your inevitable bankruptcy. Steam's coming for your money, and resistance is futile. Happy gaming, and may your frames be high and your prices low!