KONAMI TEASES METAL GEAR SOLID 4 REMASTER: PREPARE YOUR BODY FOR 8-HOUR CUTSCENES

Well, well, well. Look who's decided to crawl out of their pachinko-filled cave and throw us Metal Gear fans a bone. Konami, the company that's been treating the Metal Gear franchise like a redheaded stepchild since Kojima's departure, is now teasing Metal Gear Solid 4 for modern consoles. Hold onto your nanomachines, folks!

METAL GEAR SOLID 3: Snake Eater - Master Collection Version

METAL GEAR SOLID 4: NOW WITH 100% MORE LOADING SCREENS

That's right, Konami producer Noriaki Okamura, in a display of communication skills that would make a mime proud, basically confirmed that MGS4 is coming to modern platforms. His exact words? "You can probably connect the dots!" No shit, Sherlock. We've been connecting dots since Snake was just a bunch of polygons on the PS1.

DAVID HAYTER'S CRYPTIC BULLSHIT

Adding fuel to the fire, everyone's favorite gravelly-voiced actor, David Hayter, decided to play coy on Twitter. He posted a picture of Old Snake with the caption "Had a pretty cool meeting the other day..." Oh, for fuck's sake, David. Just say you're working on it. This isn't a stealth mission.

THE MASTER COLLECTION VOL. 2: BECAUSE MILKING A FRANCHISE NEVER GETS OLD

Apparently, the unannounced (but let's face it, inevitable) Master Collection Vol. 2 will include MGS4, MGS5, and Peace Walker. It's like Konami discovered the concept of "sequels" and decided to go all in. Next, they'll be telling us water is wet and Revolver Ocelot likes to twirl his guns.

A NEW GENERATION OF CONFUSED GAMERS

The best part? A whole new generation of gamers will get to experience the mind-bending, convoluted clusterfuck that is MGS4's plot. Prepare for forums filled with "Who the fuck is Liquid Ocelot?" and "Why am I watching a two-hour cutscene about microwave corridors?"

KONAMI'S MASTER PLAN: KEEPING US IN THE DARK

Of course, Konami can't just come out and confirm anything. No, that would be too easy. Instead, we get cryptic messages and vague hints. It's like they're taking PR lessons from the La-li-lu-le-lo.

So there you have it, folks. Metal Gear Solid 4 is probably coming to modern consoles. Maybe. Possibly. Who the fuck knows with Konami? In the meantime, I'll be here, waiting for them to announce a Battle Royale spin-off where you play as 100 Raidens falling from the sky. Because at this point, why the hell not?

Stay tuned, indeed. And maybe start practicing your cutscene-watching stamina. You're gonna need it.