Garage Flipper Review: Where Dreams of Car Storage Go to Die
You know how the gaming industry's currently going through its "flip everything that exists" phase? Well, Garage Flipper is here to prove that not everything needs a renovation simulator. It's like House Flipper had a child with a broken GPU, and neither parent showed up for custody.
Technical Excellence (Said No One Ever)
Let's start with the obvious: this game runs worse than a three-legged horse on roller skates. When your NVIDIA 3080 struggles to hit 60 FPS on low settings, you know something's gone horribly wrong. It's like they optimized the game using a potato – and not even a good potato, we're talking about the sad, sprouting one you forgot in the back of your pantry.
The "Press Any Key" screen is a perfect metaphor for the entire game – you press keys, and nothing happens. It's like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall, except the brick wall at least has better texture resolution.
Gameplay: The Joy of Virtual Janitorial Work
Want to experience the thrill of cleaning up someone else's mess without the satisfaction of actual accomplishment? Boy, do I have a game for you! Garage Flipper lets you live out your dreams of being a glorified garage janitor, complete with a trash system that makes less sense than cryptocurrency.
You can carry exactly three pieces of trash at a time, because apparently our protagonist never learned how to use garbage bags properly. And when you throw out a partially filled trash bag, it magically empties itself – much like your wallet after buying this game.
Features That Flip You Off
The game boasts a whopping 21GB install size, which is like buying a mansion and finding out it's mostly filled with empty cardboard boxes. House Flipper manages to give you entire houses, bunkers, and garages in 6GB, but apparently, empty garage spaces need more storage than your average Netflix binge.
Want to customize your garage? Sure! Just be prepared for furniture that spawns bigger than the truck it arrives on. It's like ordering a couch from IKEA and receiving a small apartment building instead.
Paint Physics by M.C. Escher
The painting system is a fever dream of questionable choices. Your beige paint somehow looks orange, walls develop a metallic sheen that would make Tony Stark jealous, and the whole thing has the consistency of a ghost's morning breath. It's like they hired a color-blind chameleon as their art director.
Where Are the Cars?
You know what would be really cool in a garage renovation game? Cars. You know what this game doesn't have? CARS. It's like making a kitchen simulator without food, or a dating sim without the crushing disappointment. The irony is thick enough to use as wall insulation.
The Skills That Don't Pay the Bills
There's a skill system, because of course there is. You can level up your ability to... clean things slightly faster? It's about as exciting as watching paint dry, which, coincidentally, is something you'll be doing a lot of in this game.
Conclusion: A Fixer-Upper That Needs Fixing
Garage Flipper is like that project car your uncle swears he's going to restore someday – full of potential, currently non-functional, and probably better off being sold for parts. It's not that it's a bad idea; it's just executed with all the grace of a drunk elephant trying to perform ballet.
Is it playable? Sometimes. Is it enjoyable? That depends on how much you enjoy digital busywork and watching your GPU cry. Should you buy it? Only if you have a weird fetish for disappointing garage simulations or are conducting research on how not to optimize a game.
Score: 4/10
We at NLM received a key for this game for free, this however didn't impact our review in any way. Our GPU's therapy bills, on the other hand, are another story.