Diplomacy is Not an Option Review: When 'Git Gud' Becomes Official Policy
Remember when you played Age of Empires and thought, "This is nice, but what if it hated me personally?" Well, congratulations, Diplomacy is Not an Option is here to fulfill your masochistic fantasies. It's like They Are Billions had a baby with Dark Souls, and that baby wants you dead.
The Art of War (Against Your Sanity)
The game looks deceptively cute with its low-poly graphics and charming aesthetic. Don't let that fool you – it's about as friendly as a honey badger with a hangover. Thousands of tiny enemies will flood your screen like angry ants at a picnic, except these ants carry siege weapons and have a personal vendetta against your blood pressure.
Difficulty: From Zero to WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK
Let's talk about the elephant in the room: the difficulty curve. Actually, scratch that – it's not a curve, it's a vertical wall with spikes on top. The first three missions lull you into a false sense of security, like a cat playing with its prey. Then mission four hits, and suddenly you're playing RTS Dark Souls while blindfolded.
The developers' response to complaints about the difficulty spike? "We beat it first try on the hardest setting." Cool story, bro. That's like Gordon Ramsay telling a toddler to git gud at cooking because he can make a perfect beef wellington.
Gameplay: A Beautiful Chaos
When it works, holy shit does it work. Watching thousands of units clash on screen is more satisfying than popping bubble wrap. The resource management is deeper than a philosophy major's Twitter feed, and the tech tree has more branches than a national park.
But one wrong move, one slightly misplaced wall, or one farmer who decided to take the scenic route to harvest wheat, and you're done. The game's snowball mechanics are less "rolling snowball" and more "avalanche that started three hours ago will kill you now."
AI: Both Brilliant and Brain-Dead
The AI exists in a quantum state of being simultaneously genius and completely stupid. Enemy armies will execute perfect flanking maneuvers while your own troops sometimes forget which end of the sword goes into the enemy. Your archers will dump enough arrows into a single peasant to make a porcupine jealous, while completely ignoring the siege engine that's turning your walls into confetti.
Time Management Simulator 1300 AD
You'll spend hours perfecting your build order, only to watch it all go to hell because you sneezed at the wrong moment. The game demands more perfect timing than a Swiss watch factory. One delayed wall, one missed upgrade, and suddenly you're playing the medieval equivalent of "Floor is Lava" except the floor is actually lava and you're wearing gasoline boots.
Conclusion: A Love-Hate Relationship
Diplomacy is Not an Option is either the best RTS you'll ever play or the game that finally makes you throw your computer out the window – there is no in-between. It's brilliant, infuriating, addictive, and rage-inducing all at once. Like an abusive relationship with a really good cook, you know it's probably bad for you, but damn if those meals aren't amazing.
If you enjoy a challenge and have the patience of a saint (or a masochistic streak wider than the English Channel), you'll find a deep, rewarding game here. If you value your sanity or have any preexisting heart conditions, maybe stick to Stardew Valley.
Score: 7.9/10
We at NLM received a key for this game for free, this however didn't impact our review in any way. Our therapist bills for PTSD from mission 4, on the other hand...