FALLOUT CLASSICS FREE ON EPIC: POST-APOCALYPTIC NOSTALGIA FOR US BROKE GAMERS

Epic Games is at it again, throwing free shit at us like a Deathclaw on a rampage. This time, they're serving up the Fallout Classic Collection on a silver platter until September 5th. That's right, you cheap bastards – three games for the low, low price of absolutely fucking nothing.

FALLOUT: WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

First up, we've got the OG Fallout. This isn't your daddy's RPG – unless your daddy was a cool-ass gamer back in '97. Turn-based combat, isometric view, and more dark humor than a mortician's convention. It's the game that taught us all that war... war never changes. But apparently, the price of games does.

FALLOUT 2: THE SEQUEL THAT DIDN'T SUCK

Next on the menu is Fallout 2, the game that proved lightning can strike twice – especially in a radiation-soaked wasteland. More quests, more guns, more ways to fuck up your character build. It's like the first game, but with extra apocalypse sauce.

FALLOUT TACTICS: FOR WHEN YOU WANT MORE 'BOOM' IN YOUR ROOM

Rounding out this trio of atomic goodness is Fallout Tactics. It's like someone said, "Hey, what if we took Fallout, but made it more shooty and less talky?" Perfect for those who think diplomacy is best served with a side of plasma rifle.

WHY THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THIS?

Is Epic feeling generous? Did Todd Howard lose a bet? Or is this just a ploy to get us all hooked on Fallout before they announce Fallout 5: Now With 16 Times the Bugs? Who knows, but don't look a gift Brahmin in the mouths.

HOW TO GET YOUR RADIATION FIX

Getting these games is easier than finding booze in New Vegas. Just drag your irradiated ass over to the Epic Games Store, click 'Get', and voila – you're the proud owner of enough classic RPG content to make your eyes bleed and your social life disappear.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some vault-dwelling to do. And remember – stay away from the smooth-skins, always pack some Rad-X, and for fuck's sake, don't feed the Yao Guai!