AMBER ALERT REVIEW - BODYCAM HORROR MEETS DUMPSTER FIRE

Amber Alert lures you in with promises of intense bodycam horror, then proceeds to shit the bed harder than a drunk frat boy after taco night. Strap in, because this indie "horror" game is about to take you on a ride bumpier than a shopping cart with square wheels.

GAMEPLAY: GROUNDHOG DAY FROM HELL

You're a lone cop responding to a disturbance, armed with a peashooter and a flashlight that couldn't illuminate a matchbox. Your mission? Navigate through cookie-cutter houses, collecting keys and avoiding cultists who teleport behind you like they're auditioning for a B-grade anime.

The gameplay loop is simpler than a caveman's grocery list: find key, use key, die to a bullshit jumpscare, repeat. It's less "tense horror experience" and more "exercise in masochism." The devs warn that the game is designed to be hard, but there's a fine line between challenging and unfair, and Amber Alert crossed that line so hard it left skid marks.

GRAPHICS: VASELINE-VISION 2000

Visually, Amber Alert looks like it was rendered on a potato. The bodycam footage makes you feel like you're watching a crime scene through a kaleidoscope smeared with bacon grease. The VHS filter can't be turned off, because nothing says "immersion" like constant eye strain.

The environments are copy-pasted more times than a high schooler's homework. Every house looks like it was designed by an IKEA enthusiast with a grudge against originality. And let's not forget the random cardboard boxes blocking your path - because apparently, in the cult-ridden apocalypse, Amazon is still making deliveries.

AUDIO: THE SOUND OF FAILURE

The sound design in Amber Alert is about as nuanced as a sledgehammer concert. Jumpscares are telegraphed harder than a Victorian-era love letter, with audio cues that might as well scream "BOO!" in Comic Sans. The lack of voice acting makes it feel like you're playing through a particularly unenthusiastic PowerPoint presentation about murder.

OPTIMIZATION: SLIDESHOW SIMULATOR 2024

Amber Alert runs smoother than a car with square wheels driving up a mountain of sandpaper. It's so poorly optimized, it could make a NASA supercomputer beg for mercy. Playing this game is like watching a slideshow of your own disappointment, with frame rates that drop faster than your will to live.

DIFFICULTY: UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED

The difficulty in Amber Alert isn't a curve, it's a fucking cliff. One moment you're cautiously exploring, the next you're dead because a cultist materialized behind you faster than you can say "bullshit." The lack of checkpoints means every death sends you back to the start, turning what should be a tense horror experience into a frustrating exercise in masochism.

FINAL THOUGHTS: A MASTERCLASS IN MEDIOCRITY

Amber Alert is the gaming equivalent of gas station sushi - it looks sketchy as hell, but you try it anyway and immediately regret your life choices. It's a game so underwhelming, it makes watching paint dry seem like an extreme sport.

Is it playable? Technically, yes. Is it enjoyable? Only if your idea of fun is repeatedly slamming your head in a car door. For $5, you're better off buying a horror movie and randomly pausing it to simulate jumpscares.

Final Score: 3 out of 10 Misplaced Cardboard Boxes

Amber Alert is a cautionary tale of what happens when ambition vastly outstrips competence. It's the kind of game that makes you appreciate good horror titles by showing you exactly what not to do. If you're looking for a genuinely engaging horror experience, save your money and your sanity - go watch paint dry instead. At least that won't crash your PC.

We at NLM received a key for this game for free, this however didn't impact our review in any way.